Epiphany...

Okay.  I have to share with you my epiphany that I had yesterday.  It's been a long time coming and I truly believe that this is an answer to prayer.  I have struggled with my weight almost my whole entire life.  Even when I was at a healthy weight (135 lbs.) in high school, I still thought that I was fat.  My mom, dad, and gma also never failed to let me know if I was "packin' on a few".  After my mom's death (1 month after I graduated from high school), I began to gain weight.  I was in a relationship with a guy who saw me for who I was on the inside (I married that guy 3 years later...) and I stopped caring about my weight.  After Jas and I had been married for about a year, I became frustrated with my weight.  I was a good 60 lbs. heavier than in high school and was really feeling it.  A friend introduced me to Advocare and I began a regimen of "vitamin popping".  That was back in the days of ephedra and I dropped a good 40 lbs. easily in just a few months.  I felt great, I looked great, the stuff was great!  It gave me lots of energy, I ate less, and I loved it!  Unfortunately, what they don't tell you is that once you stop taking the stuff, you WILL gain the weight back.  I was still pretty slim after I had Ethan and had the energy to take care of a baby.  But, once I stopped, the weight was back and then some.  Over the past 10 years, my weight has been creeping up ever so slowly.  A lot of the weight gain has to do with my antidepressant usage over the years.  However, my mouth is just as guilty. 
I realized recently that I am deeply addicted to sugar.  It's my drug of choice.  It's no problem for me to take out a whole package of cookies within a day or two.  I don't just have a couple, I have 12.  Whenever we get donuts, I can eat 3-4.  Sugary sweets don't stay around here very long around.  And, I will eat any kind of carbs if we are out of sweets; potatoes, bread, rice...I have just given up fighting and I have no self control with carbs.
Fast forward to yesterday...I have been praying for an answer, something that I would be motivated by to kick this habit.  My doctor, my family, everyone keeps telling me that I am headed down a bad road that leads to high cholesterol, diabetes, and heart disease but I haven't wanted a change for myself.  The way I looked at it, I was happy and my addiction wasn't hurting anyone.  Yeah, right.
Since my mom's death, I have been the primary caregiver for my grandma (her mom).  Grandma is a proud, stubborn woman who is convinced that the sky is falling and what will the neighbors think about that.  Her way of showing love is constant, biting criticism of those closest to her (namely me and my brother).  She would rather die than to give anyone a helping hand, including Wade and I.  But, it is my duty as her closest living relative to care for her in her final days.  Good heavens, I think that the woman is going to outlive me!  She is not a small lady, by any stretch (this is where I get my bone structure).  Since her stroke 20 plus years ago, she hasn't been able to get around very well.  Actually, it's now to the point where she can barely get up to go eat, go to bed, or go to the bathroom.  But I digress...
Yesterday, Ethan and I took Grandma to the doctor for her 6 month checkup.  Anytime that we go out, it is a massive undertaking that leaves both of us wiped out for days.  Since her legs barely work and she is losing her upper body strength, I am left to basically move her from car to wheelchair, from wheelchair to potty, from potty to wheelchair, and from wheelchair to car.  It's a backbreaking and thankless job.  Well, as I was helping her yesterday, it hit me.  I don't want to be 90 years old and have to rely on others to basically move me because I can't do it myself.  I don't want to endure back surgery after back surgery (she's had 3) because of the extra weight that I carry in front.  I don't want to take 13 different pills 3x daily to counteract bad eating habits.  I don't want to look like I'm pregnant anymore because my tummy sticks out more than my boobs (which, by the way, I weigh at least 50 lbs. more right now than the day I delivered Ethan).  I want to be able to walk for more than 15 min. without having severe, debilitating pains in my lower back.
So, I talked to my doc today about a lifestyle change; the way I view food, exercise, and living.  I am turning 34 in 9 days and I feel like I'm in my 80's.  I can't continue to live like this.  My doc recommended that I visit with a medical dietitian for a "supervised medical nutrition program".  It's not a diet, it's a change that I will make for the rest of my life.  I need to learn how to use food for nutrition, not for my addiction.  It's time for me to kick the habit!
I know that by posting this, I am calling everyone to help me to be accountable for this change.  I'm not doing this to lose weight, rather to learn how to eat so that I am healthy.  By the way, the doc said that I have lost 6 lbs. since he saw me on Feb. 19th.  :)